I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wanna passion pit in your ass
one might say we're banned from that church
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
