You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think people are normalizing furries
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
