And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
