she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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