no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
