so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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