I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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