I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
