is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
