I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
