You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
