Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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