the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
