I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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