I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
