They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
