I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
