So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
