I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
