So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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