Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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