She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
