first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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