hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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