Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
