You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
