I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
