Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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