We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
