Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
