I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
