found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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