i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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