Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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