PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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