Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
