I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
cat food counts as protein by the way
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
