you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
