During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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