I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
