I will die if light touches me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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