Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
