I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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