watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
