i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
