the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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