I have demons in me.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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