and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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