My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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