My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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